August 7, 2009

New Feature : Kryptonite !

From our friends at Wiki: "The word kryptonite is also used in modern speech as a synonym for Achilles' heel, the one weakness of an otherwise invulnerable hero."

When I use the word, I am referring to what poisons my soul.

I have been inspired by my friend's rather genius dating site who often posts about things that men do that as women turn them off. I have been thinking lately that most of the things that men do that make me want to lose my lunch are all music related. As an uber music dork I don't think any of my readers would be shocked to learn this about me. In fact most of you probably have eyes rolled into your heads right about noooooow.

Every few weeks on a Friday I will use my end of week angst to post about the things dudes do ... that I as a women...Lighting's Girl...who lives and dies by music... makes me want to end my life in a most violent manner. No, it actually makes me want to draw blood from their body first and then die.

This week my featured kryptonite is men who air guitar.

I don't know why you do it. It is as if you are hard wired to extend your arm in a right angle to your body and wiggle your fingers around in time (sort of) to whatever the guitar player is doing on the record we all happen to be listening to. You can't seem to control your body at all when a Led Zeppelin record is playing (or fill in the blank with whatever legendary guitar band here) and it is creepy.

The reality is it is embarrassing to be around and it physically pains pains me to look at you when you do it. Have you noticed how many of the girls around you are doing it to? Oh, there are none? HELLO - it is because we don't! Apparently we don't share the same chemistry that requires us to play along with Black Sabbath using our hands at all. (And for you ladies who do, you are freaks of nature who belong in a scientific study)

Please take note, you don't look cool or totally rock and roll when you play air guitar. It looks is as if you are having a music related seizure that requires medication or restraints. Some of you try to explain that you can't help but play along to what ever killer riff is rocking from the nearest speaker because you know how to play it on your guitar at home or it was the first song you ever learned on guitar or..... whatever lame ass story.... but there is really there is no good excuse for air guitaring. Period. I don't care how hard you try to defend your spazzy fingering of the space in front of your probably slightly hunched over body. You probably don't really know how to play the song on guitar either and I have handed boys guitar to test this theory and I am sorry to say the gentlemen nearly always fail the test miserably. I am barely impressed when someone tells me they actually know how to play the guitar so why in the world would I be wowed by your air tapping of invisible notes? Blargh.

Oh and when you move your hands down to the crotch region as if to get down and dirty to a sweet tune, it just makes me want to remove your penis from your body as punishment for such a visual insult.

There, I said it and it feels really good to get that off my chest. If we are ever out somewhere and I look as if I am ripping the skin off another human being with my eyes it is probably because they are air guitaring somewhere in my vicinity.

And just in case you were wondering, this applies to air drumming or air bass playing too. I hate them all deeply. Light tapping is fine of fingers and toes are fine, head banging - sure, and I don't even mind the occasional sing along. Just keep your busy pathetic hands your yourself.

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